[TW: mental health.]
We went on anti-depressants on the same day. (They say, “dogs are like their owners” lol… Ergh.)
I decided to stop self-sabotaging and consciously try to heal. I thought with therapy, friends and family, and looking after my body that I would be fine. But I wasn’t. I needed more. Sometimes we need more. And that’s okay.
Most nights I couldn’t even muster up the energy to lick away the tears as they fell into my mouth. I’d write disturbing questions into google and, instead of results, crisis numbers would pop up because even google was worried about me. I would sit by myself in the dark, mourning my life as the sun came up yet again and I’d had no sleep.
And despite this, I would refuse medication.
Fuck the stigma around medication. It stops people from taking it when they really need it. (Like me.)
Fuck the culture that says we have to remain tortured to be able to be creative or enlightened. Fuck manipulative sayings like “you feel too much” that attempt to make us fall in love with our poor mental health. Fuck anyone that judges you because of the meds you take because they don’t know what it’s like to be you/they aren’t your doctor. Because —
It’s okay to be sad when things are sad, but we deserve resilience.
It’s okay to feel fear when things should be feared, but we all deserve peace.
It’s okay to sleep in or stay up late, but we deserve rest, balance and routine.
It’s okay to despair when things are hard, but we deserve to keep on living.
My tip for those having a shit time? Keep fucking living. I know it’s shit. It’s painful. It’s hard. But for me, I woke up one day and finally something worked (after almost a decade of trailing therapies.) It may or may not be antidepressants, they don’t work for everyone, but keep going and push through because you deserve to be here.
My antidepressants haven’t been magic pills that got rid of all my problems. However, they help me cope with my problems. I hate that I have to take them, but guess what? I love and respect myself more than my dislike of them.
(PS- Tofu is okay. He was in a dog attack at the start of the year. He’s been so much better since taking medication but hopefully it is short term while we can address his issues.)